The Nice Guy Tango

This is the skit I mentioned here that got the feminist club all upset. I haven’t edited it since. Enjoy! Also, trigger warning for sexism or something.

SECTION A consists of the lines in red.

NICE GUYS 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 sit in a row.

1

Hats.

2

Zoned.

3

M’lady.

4

Nuh-uh.

5

Misandry.

6

Ethics

SECTION A repeats at x2 speed. LIGHTING

And now, the six gallant gentlemen of the Internet Jail in their rendition of the Nice Guy Tango.

SECTION A repeats at x4 speed.

SECTION A repeats at x4 speed.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6

SHE HAD IT COMING, SHE HAD IT COMING,

IF SHE SAID YES, SHE WOULD’VE LIVED.

THIS IS THE VAST TOLL FOR DATING ASSHOLES

INSTEAD OF US ‘CAUSE WE DON’T FORGIVE

SECTION A repeats at x4 speed.

1

I have my heroes. Sherlock Holmes, Indiana Jones, the Blues Brothers. And one thing they all share is a stylish hat. So I go to the store and pick out the most expensive fedora I can find. After buying a lime green suit to match it, I post a picture of my getup online, captioning it with “I’m sharper than everyone else because I know there’s no God.” Some bird named Poppy, who I’d been courting for some time, replies, “The hat really makes your neckbeard stand out.” Well now her neckbeard stands out, if only because it’s now a neckbeard made of blood.

1 dances.

2, 4, and 6

SHE HAD IT COMING, SHE HAD IT COMING,

MY HOPES FOR DATING YOU HAVE SUNK.

YOU WANT A REAL MAN, I LIVE ON 4CHAN,

YOU MIGHT CHANGE YOUR MIND WHEN YOU GET DRUNK.

2

I met Cissy in fifth grade. There were many fun nights to be had, singing and gossiping and playing with our My Little Pony toys. And ever since we met, she’s always been on my mind. Oh yeah. You know what. Right in the pussy. But I don’t get the courage to ask her out until senior graduation. And you know what she says? “I’ve always seen us as just best friends.” She put me in the friendzone! Me! But it’s ok, we’re even now. She put me in the friendzone… and I put her corpse in a warzone.

2 dances.

1, 3, and 5

SHE HAD IT COMING, SHE HAD IT COMING.

I’M SICK OF LONELY FRIDAY NIGHTS.

3

First things first, I’m a gentleman. I always tip my hat for the ladies, open the door for the ladies, and refer to ladies by their proper name: ‘hoes.’ Sorry, I meant ‘ladies.’ So there’s this girl in my 18th century relations class named Susie, and whenever she arrives, I always say “M’lady” and pull out her chair for her. One day, she tells me “I can do it for myself, thanks. Also, girls find it creepy when you call them ‘m’lady.’” Well, Susie, do girls find it creepy when you force-feed them a live pig? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you when I’m porking you.

3 dances.

2, 4, and 6

THE PRICE FOR BEIN’ LIBERTERIAN

WHEN YOUR WORLD DOESN’T HAVE MEN’S RIGHTS.

4

(As if speaking a foreign language)

Skank tranny whore slut bitch fat cow ho slob pig bimbo smutbag tits basic cunt flat dumb cock-eating dunderhead Skyler White.

LIGHTING

What the fuck is wrong with you!?

4

Nuh-uh! Jhust… tro-lling!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6

SHE HAD IT COMING…

5

I am an intellectual, and prove it daily by wining arguments online regarding complex subjects such as religion and civil rights. This may not sound impressive, but the Internet can be a ruthless pit for those unaware of its nuances. Anyways, I arrive at the subreddit TwoXChromosomes, where they talk about uninteresting things such as date rape and periods. I proposed that misandry is a more prevalent force in the world than misogyny, and backed it up with facts about gender quotas and the fact that Jennifer Lawrence won’t return my calls. Some ‘woman,’ username cicerocookcounty, argued against me, and just would. Not. Shut. Up. So I doxed her, drove over to her house, broke in, and when she arrived, I told her I considered her opinions misinformed. She did not respond, because I also shot her.

5 dances.

2, 4, and 6

SHE HAD IT COMING, SHE HAD IT COMING,

SHE’S JUST A TYPICAL MEAN CHICK.

I WILL BE UPFRONT: YOU ALL ARE TOO BLUNT.

MAYBE I WILL SEND YOU A DICK PIC.

6

A boyfriend of a female game developer wrote on a blog post that his ex had slept with a reporter in order to get good reviews for her video game Depression Quest. So we began #GamerGate, a movement to defend ethics in videogame journalism from social justice critiques.

5

Dude, there was no review.

6

You serious?

5

Yeah. #GamerGate started over something that no one can find.

6

Oh.

5

You are the saddest bastard I’ve ever seen.

6

It’s ok! When the game developer’s dog died, I sent her pictures of dead dogs!

5

That’s just depressing.

6

But it’s ok, because then they’ll see us as nice guys, right?

5

Dude, discussing videogames or harassing women: pick one. You’re somehow nastier than us and also much, much wussier. At least I killed a girl. You’ve only succeeded at making your mother cry.

6

I guess I’m not very good at this.

5

Don’t worry. I’ll teach you everything I know about women, and then we’ll practice necrophilia in a threesome.

6

Together?

5

Together.

5 and 6 make out, then break away.

6

Eww, gross!

5

I don’t know what came over me. I’m not a sicko. I love women.

6

I love women too.

5

I mean, couldn’t you tell how much I love women?

QUICK BLACKOUT

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One thought on “The Nice Guy Tango

  1. Pingback: Nice Guys, Amirite? | Word Salad Spinner

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