Existential Nihilism for Kids: A Skit

4 YEAR OLD hugs her MOTHER’S knees.

4 YEAR OLD

Please read it to me again! Please please please please please!

MOTHER

All right, all right. But you’re going to sleep right after this.

4 YEAR OLD

I promise!

MOTHER pulls out a storybook.

MOTHER

“Huey the Existential Nihilist”

4 YEAR OLD

(claps hands)

Yaaaaay!

MOTHER

“Huey the turtle is an existential nihilist. What is an existential nihilist? Huey is. Huey is an existential nihilist because he knows the truth about life. Huey the turtle is alone in the whole wide world. He has parents, named Mr. and Mrs. Turtle, but he is still alone. He has a sex slave he calls Minnie Mouse, but he is still alone.”

4 YEAR OLD

Why is Minnie Mouse a sex slave?

MOTHER

Because she was too weak to resist, obviously. “Huey is alone for the same reason you are alone. When you were very young, you did not know anything about the world. You did not know how to count. You did not know how to sing. You knew only what people told you. Once upon a time, Huey listened to what people told him. He asked his parents, ‘Why am I here? My teddy bear is here to make me feel better. My sister is here to make me feel worse. Why am I here?’ Huey’s parents answered, ‘Because you are great.’ Huey asked the priest, Harold the komodo dragon, ‘Why am I here?’ Harold answered, ‘Because God put you here.’ Huey asked the policeman, Ronald the serial rapist, ‘Why am I here?’ Ronald answered, ‘At this hour? You’re obviously crusin’ for a brusin’. On your knees, boy.’”

4 YEAR OLD

This is my favorite part.

MOTHER

“After Huey wiped the blood from his mouth, he began to wonder why he was here. Was it because he was great? Was it because God put him here? Was it because he was some little punk-ass looking for trouble? Huey knew it couldn’t be all three. Huey then realized the truth: there was no reason he was here. Nothing matters in life. People like Mr. Turtle, Mrs. Turtle, Harold, and Ronald each made up their own reason for living. Huey did not feel good. He knew he was alone in this world.”

4 YEAR OLD

Mommy, do you love me?

MOTHER

What?

4 YEAR OLD

Do you love me?

MOTHER

Of course not, dear. You’re just here to support me in my old age.

4 YEAR OLD

Why?

MOTHER

Because I control you. Now do you want to hear your story?

4 YEAR OLD

Ok.

MOTHER

“When Huey realized that there was no meaning behind his life, he realized he could do anything he wanted. So he bought a gun and shot Ronald the serial rapist dead. He also shot Harold the komodo dragon because religion is just a lie constructed to give false hope to the weak-willed. He did not shoot his parents, because they gave him money, and he could use that money to buy a sex slave. Without meaning in his life, Huey had total free will.”

4 YEAR OLD

But mom, if Huey doesn’t believe in anything, why does he believe in free will? Or in money, or in sex?

MOTHER

That’s a stupid question. Because money gets you nice things.

4 YEAR OLD

But what’s the point of nice things if nothing has meaning?

MOTHER

I knew you were too young for this book.

BLACKOUT

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2 thoughts on “Existential Nihilism for Kids: A Skit

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