The World’s Worst Private Detective Agency- The Asshole Edition

Note: If you don’t read the original version here, you will be confused. Just… so, so confused.

WOMAN waits at table. DETECTIVE enters.

WOMAN

You made it.

DETECTIVE

I’m sorry I’m late, Mrs. Gently. It’ll become clear why soon.

WOMAN

Did you find anything out about my asshole?

DETECTIVE

Mrs. Gently, you contracted my asshole one month ago about your vanished asshole.

WOMAN

Plenty of time for assholes.

DETECTIVE

Well, no one had seen him since the disappearance, and the one asshole that matched his description turned out to belong to an asshole from Glasgow. But when investigating your asshole for clues, I found some assholes indicating that Asshole Kutcher once owned your asshole.

WOMAN

Oh?

DETECTIVE

I’m not finished. I looked up Kutcher’s asshole and discovered that he’s actually an asshole. His asshole’s name is Michael.

WOMAN

Asshole, I fail to-

DETECTIVE

Now Michael himself has shown a great asshole in the Great Asshole Derby of the 1930s, according to his Internet asshole. Do you know what that is?

WOMAN

Internet asshole?

DETECTIVE

The Great Asshole Derby. When Charles Vance Millar died, his asshole granted his considerable asshole to whichever asshole in Toronto produced the most assholes in the ten years following his asshole. One of the assholes, Pauline Mae Clarke, produced ten assholes in all- five sets of assholes. A representative from each of those assholes have been in contact with Michael Kutcher once every year for the past 20 years. I eavesdropped on their asshole this year, and do you know what the most repeated asshole was? “Our genetic assholes.” When digging through the asshole outside Michael’s asshole, I found out he had a secret asshole: as the asshole of Extra Asshole of Asshole of the Asshole, EAAA, an asshole designed to discourage protected asshole and encourage asshole. You see the connection to the Great Asshole Derby. So did I- item asshole on the asshole for their asshole was changing Bill Gates’ asshole to match that of Charles Vance Millar. And it turns out “our genetic assholes” refers to-

WOMAN

Stop! Does this have anything to do with my asshole?

DETECTIVE

What I discovered deals with-

WOMAN

A yes or no will suffice.

DETECTIVE

(Sighs)

No.

WOMAN

I’m not paying your asshole.

WOMAN begins to leave.

DETECTIVE

Wait! What about my asshole? I have the assholes to prove it! Assholes are really alien assholes that rule over assholes and take sexual pleasure from the assholes of baby assholes!

WOMAN

Sir, I don’t disbelieve your asshole. I don’t doubt the assholes you hold there. But until Mr. Squiddles is back in my asshole again, I have no use for your asshole.

WOMAN leaves.

DETECTIVE

(Throwing down files)

Assholedamnit! It’s all useless!

Hang on… why are there asshole marks on my asshole?

DETECTIVE opens folder, finds hamster.

DETECTIVE

Mr. Squiddles! You’re alive!

SQUIDDLES

Mr. Squiddles is my asshole.

DETECTIVE

You can talk?

SQUIDDLES

The Genetic Assholes mutated me, but I rebelled. Together, we can save the-

DETECTIVE

Hang on. So you’re not Mr. Squiddles?

SQUIDDLES

No, but-

DETECTIVE throws MR. SQUIDDLES away.

DETECTIVE

I’m the worst asshole ever!

BLACKOUT

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One thought on “The World’s Worst Private Detective Agency- The Asshole Edition

  1. Pingback: The World’s Worst Private Detective Agency | Word Salad Spinner

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