The World’s Worst Private Detective Agency

WOMAN waits at table. DETECTIVE enters.

WOMAN

You made it.

DETECTIVE

I’m sorry I’m late, Mrs. Gently. It’ll become clear why soon.

WOMAN

Did you find anything out about my hamster?

DETECTIVE

Mrs. Gently, you contracted my agency one month ago about your vanished hamster.

WOMAN

Plenty of time for results.

DETECTIVE

Well, no one had seen him since the disappearance, and the one animal that matched his description turned out to belong to a dentist from Glasgow. But when investigating your house for clues, I found some paperwork indicating that Ashton Kutcher once owned your house.

WOMAN

Oh?

DETECTIVE

I’m not finished. I looked up Kutcher’s biography and discovered that he’s actually a twin. His brother’s name is Michael.

WOMAN

Sir, I fail to-

DETECTIVE

Now Michael himself has shown a great interest in the Great Stork Derby of the 1930s, according to his Internet history. Do you know what that is?

WOMAN

Internet history?

DETECTIVE

The Great Stork Derby. When Charles Vance Millar died, his will granted his considerable estate to whichever woman in Toronto produced the most children in the ten years following his death. One of the women, Pauline Mae Clarke, produced ten children in all- five sets of twins. A representative from each of those twins have been in contact with Michael Kutcher once every year for the past 20 years. I eavesdropped on their meeting this year, and do you know what the most repeated phrase was? “Our genetic overlords.” When digging through the trash outside Michael’s house, I found out he had a secret identity: as the leader of Extra Helping of Salt of the Earth, ESHE, an organization designed to discourage protected sex and encourage childbirth. You see the connection to the Great Stork Derby. So did I- item 1 on the agenda for their meeting was changing Bill Gates’ will to match that of Charles Vance Millar. And it turns out “our genetic overlords” refers to-

WOMAN

Stop! Does this have anything to do with my hamster?

DETECTIVE

What I discovered deals with-

WOMAN

A yes or no will suffice.

DETECTIVE

(Sighs)

No.

WOMAN

I’m not paying your fee.

WOMAN begins to leave.

DETECTIVE

Wait! What about my discovery? I have the files to prove it! Twins are really alien doppelgangers that rule over us and take sexual pleasure from the sound of baby cries!

WOMAN

Sir, I don’t disbelieve you. I don’t doubt the files you hold there. But until Mr. Squiddles is back in my arms again, I have no use for you.

WOMAN leaves.

DETECTIVE

(Throwing down files)

Goddamnit! It’s all useless!

Hang on… why are there bite marks on my paperwork?

DETECTIVE opens folder, finds hamster.

DETECTIVE

Mr. Squiddles! You’re alive!

SQUIDDLES

Mr. Squiddles is my twin.

DETECTIVE

You can talk?

SQUIDDLES

The Genetic Overlords mutated me, but I rebelled. Together, we can save the-

DETECTIVE

Hang on. So you’re not Mr. Squiddles?

SQUIDDLES

No, but-

DETECTIVE throws MR. SQUIDDLES away.

DETECTIVE

I’m the worst detective ever!

BLACKOUT

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One thought on “The World’s Worst Private Detective Agency

  1. Pingback: The World’s Worst Private Detective Agency- The Asshole Edition | Word Salad Spinner

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