Candidate Debate

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SENATOR and GOVERNOR face the audience behind podiums.

MODERATOR

Welcome to the first presidential candidate debate. For each topic, each candidate will have 4 30-second rounds to debate their position. We will begin on the subject of nuclear energy.

 

GOVERNOR

Thank you. My fellow Americans and I are against nuclear energy because of its dangers to the public. Not only can nuclear waste not be stored safely, but a disaster like Chernobyl on American soil can destroy thousands of lives alongside thousands of flowers. I consider this point so clear that I waive my remaining time to the Senator.

 

SENATOR

Thank you. Americans, what this man says is simply not true. Used fuel for nuclear waste is not only safely stored, but it is also 96% recyclable, according to any nuclear physicist you care to ask. Nuclear energy is also a viable way of reducing C02 emissions across the globe. I waive my remaining time to the Governor.

 

GOVERNOR

Thank you. Americans, what this man says is simply not true. Estimates by the Nuclear Age Peace Foundation put C02 emissions by nuclear power at 4 to 5 times higher per unit of energy than alternative fuel supplies. Wind and solar power exist, and they should be used to their fullest capacity. I waive my remaining time to the Senator.

 

SENATOR

Thank you. Americans, what this man says is simply not true. Wind and solar power do not exist. Solar panels are the suburban dad equivalent of getting grills on your teeth. And wind power is our attempt to kill pigeons. Those things kill thousands of birds every year- a fine goal in and of itself, but not a suitable energy replacement. I waive my remaining time to the governor.

 

GOVERNOR

Thank you. Americans, what this man says is simply not true. The plain fact is that birds are immortal demons. They’re Satan’s attempt to punish us for building Convertibles. To suggest we have any power to resist Satan’s domain is to suggest that an ant can plea to overseas trade markets. My opponent’s mere existence should remind you that we live in a cruel world where Satan hate-fucked God to give birth to the human race. I waive my remaining time to the Senator.

 

SENATOR

Thank you. Americans, what this man says is simply not true. I do not exist. My opponent is debating the open air in one of his many delusions. You can’t vote for me, but you can vote for my political party, whereas a vote for this man is a vote to give Tyler Durden nuclear weapons. I waive my remaining time to the Governor.

 

GOVERNOR

Thank you. Americans, what this man says is simply not true. The Senator did not waive his remaining time over to me. He’s still talking.

 

SENATOR

No I’m- (shuts himself up)

 

GOVERNOR

Yes, I am the senator. I speak with the Senator’s mouth, and I tell you that I will outlaw maple bacon and pee in Putin’s mouth if elected. I now waive my remaining time to the Senator, who is me. Thank you. Americans, what this man says is simply very true. My intelligent and spank-happy sexy opponent-

 

SENATOR

(losing composure)

Oh god, are you mad?! Am I mad!? Look at what we’re doing! I just wanted to win a debate and prove you wrong, not spiral into a vortex of madness and shit flinging! Is this what debate in America has become?! Was it always this!? Is this some mad purgatory we’re in where we-

 

MODERATOR

And time! Thank you for debating, gentlemen. Our next topic is mental health in America-

 

SENATOR runs screaming from the room.

 

BLACKOUT

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