A Charlie Brown War on Christmas

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CHARLIE BROWN enters.

 

CHARLIE BROWN

Christmas has become slightly tolerable now due to my hair implants. But everything else seems to be going wrong. Obamacare doesn’t cover Lucy’s psychiatric practice, and Snoopy has started foaming at the mouth. Good grief! Well, at least I found the last unsold Christmas tree in the lot. Unfortunately, it’s just this stick.

 

TREE SELLER

(offstage)

Wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa.

 

CHARLIE BROWN

Thank you for letting me have this Christmas tree for free. It’s quire Christian of you.

 

TREE SELLER

We wa wa wa wa.

 

CHARLIE BROWN

What did you say?

 

TREE SELLER

Wa?

 

CHARLIE BROWN

Why did you say, “Happy Holidays”? You used to say “Merry Christmas.”

 

TREE SELLER

Wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa, wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa. Wa wa!

 

CHARLIE BROWN

Good grief!

 

LINUS VAN BELT enters with blanket.

 

CHARLIE BROWN

Linus, did you hear what that man said to me?

 

LINUS VAN PELT

I did not, Charlie Brown.

 

CHARLIE BROWN

He told me, “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” and said it’s because he wants to be inclusive to all cultures.

 

LINUS VAN PELT

That’s a lie propagated by the liberal media. The seculars of the world don’t want to acknowledge that Christmas exists, so that they can undermine the Christian family values that make this country great.

 

CHARLIE BROWN

Does this mean our Christmas pageant has to become a Holiday pageant?

 

LINUS VAN PELT

If the liberals had their way, they’d replace the baby Jesus with Rudolph.

 

CHARLIE BROWN

Good grief!

 

LINUS VAN PELT

We should teach this man a lesson.

 

TREE SELLER enters.

 

LINUS VAN PELT

I heard you haven’t been spreading the true meaning of Christmas, Mr. Tree Seller.

 

TREE SELLER

Wa wa?

 

LINUS VAN PELT

That’s right. And I have someone who’ll teach you a lesson. Catch!

 

LINUS VAN PELT throws his blanket to TREE SELLER. The moment the blanket leaves LINUS, LINUS goes limp and falls down. The moment TREE SELLER catches the blanket, he looks possessed.

 

TREE SELLER

Assuming control of a new host body.

 

CHARLIE BROWN

You mean the blanket is a parasite alien? Fuck on a stick!

 

TREE SELLER

Yes. I, BLANK3T from the planet Mars, can control humans by touch. It is my mission to spread the message of Christ through any means necessary. I will brainwash this feeble human into worshipping the one true God. Now that it is done, return me to my original host.

 

CHARLIE BROWN gives the blanket back to LINUS. LINUS stands up.

 

LINUS VAN PELT

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

 

That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

 

BLACKOUT

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