Send Us Your Credit Card And We’ll Make This Skit Funny

Another one of my recent No Shame projects. It didn’t make it to Best Of this year, although I would’ve sworn it had a chance. But enough dillydallying… enjoy!

Send Us Your Credit Card Number And We’ll Make This Skit Funny

by Nick Edinger

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FRIEND sits at table, eating lunch out of a paper bag. HACKER runs in, slams door, rushes to sit at table.

 

FRIEND

Dude, are you all right?

 

HACKER

I locked your doors and shut off your Internet. Are your windows secure?

 

FRIEND

I think so. What did you say abou-

 

HACKER

Are the windows secure!?

 

FRIEND

Jesus, man, yes! There aren’t any windows in this room anyway.

 

HACKER catches his breath.

 

HACKER

All right. You may recall that I’ve… dabbled with hacking in the past.

 

FRIEND

Oh yeah, another thing. Can you stop hacking into my Twitter and tweeting “They’re all lizard people, I just shit my pants?” You do it every two minutes. I’ve lost a lot of followers because of you, and gained some weird ones in their place.

 

HACKER

Look, that’s not important right now! Nothing else is. You don’t- I had a few, my flatmates were egging me on… mistakes were made. All right. I’ll say it. I hacked into Hillary Clinton’s private email account.

 

FRIEND

Really? Dude… that’s actually pretty sweet.

 

HACKER

Will you listen to me! I’ve seen some dark shit, man… and if I don’t tell someone, that shit’s gonna fester in my stomach and grow and expand until I have terrifying, lizard-like shit-for-brains.

 

FRIEND

It’s ok. You can trust me.

 

HACKER takes a deep, calming breath. He exhales.

 

HACKER

Hillary Clinton wants her penis to be four inches longer.

 

FRIEND

…what.

 

HACKER

Not only that, but she’s receiving offers on how to last longer in bed and how to satisfy her partner. At Bill Clinton’s age, I don’t think he can take it.

 

FRIEND

I think- well, first off, who cares if Hillary Clinton has a penis? If she wants to identify as a woman, who are we-

 

HACKER

I’m tellin’ you, man, tip of the iceberg! Her pockets run deeper than we thought. She has won 472 free cruises. Every bank in America is offering to pay her advanced fees for a guaranteed credit card. She has won more lottery money than you or I or anyone can imagine. And that’s not all: America’s security has been compromised. She’s in league with the Nigerian royal family. And then there’s… the china bike…

 

FRIEND

Dude, that’s just email spam.

 

HACKER

What?

 

FRIEND

Email spam.

 

HACKER

Pardon?

 

FRIEND

Spam!

 

VIKING enters, singing the spam song from Monty Python. HACKER and FRIEND get up and drag VIKING out of the room, complaining that Monty Python is overdone and that this skit is much too silly as it is. That done, they resume their conversation back at the table.

 

FRIEND

All right. Did you learn anything that’s actually useful.

 

HACKER

Bengazi…

 

FRIEND

Yes?

 

HACKER

Someone’s going to sell her a bridge in Bengazi…

 

FRIEND

For fuck’s sake! Listen: forget all of this. No one’s going to shoot you for looking through Hillary Clinton’s spam folder. It’s ok. Hillary may have some dirt, but so does everyone. She’s human. Say it with me: she’s just-

 

HACKER

They’re all lizard people.

 

FRIEND

Hey, you’re really starting to scare me-

 

HACKER

They’re all lizard people. After 10 years, Hillary Clinton had the proof I sought. They’re all lizard people. I forwarded the proof to all the major news networks. They didn’t like that. They’re all lizard people. They’ve mobilized. Paris is burning. They’re hungry. They’re all lizard people! THEY’RE ALL LIZARD PEOPLE!!!

 

VIKING enters the room, sees the two friends, and hisses.

 

FRIEND

I just shit my pants.

 

HACKER runs screaming offstage. FRIEND waddles screaming offstage. VIKING goes to the table and pulls a can of spam out from the lunchbag.

 

VIKING

yesssssssssssssssssssssss

 

BLACKOUT

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