(Note: this is a companion piece to Keeping Up With The Olympians. Read that skit first for the full experience!)
A PROFESSOR stands at a lectern. “Rondeau from Suite de Symphonies” plays.
Good evening. My sincerest gratitude to everyone who arrived to listen to my lecture. All healthy minds should appreciate the classics. As you may know, I am a professor at the University of Iowa, and an esteemed scholar of Kardashian mythology. I would like to report my findings on a myth I believe you’re all familiar with.
But let us recap anyways. The story in question takes place in the Archaic Period of Greek culture. It’s a myth that centers on the engagement of Rob. Dedicated lovers of Kardashian mythology will know that Rob broke the news of his engagement with Chyna, and broke the news of Chyna’s pregnancy, with his sisters Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe. Most of the memorable tropes of this conversation have carried on into pop culture, from Khloe’s desire for children to Rob swearing on his father’s grave. In fact, I just saw a delightful superhero film the other day where Iron Man alluded to Khole’s stepfather turning into a girl. It’s always nice to see the magnificence of human culture outlast us all.
But onto my research. According to pottery records from the era, Rob’s engagement was spontaneous, a discovery that coincidently outdates last year’s college textbooks. Rob also suggested that the Kardashian sisters should have contacted him personally if they wanted to learn about the engagement. This puts the complex relationships within the family into a whole new light. Further research suggests—
Excuse me, sir, may I help you?
You damn well better! I am Ares, the God of War. I seek Hera, who stole my golden apple from me. Tell me where she is, or I’ll—
Pardon my ignorance. Who are you?
Ares. Greek God of War.
I’ve never heard of you.
Never heard of me? You stupid oaf, aren’t I in your storybooks? Why don’t you tremble before me?
SOMEONE FROM AUDIENCE
He’s a reality TV star!
Oh, why didn’t you say so? I suppose a bit of celebrity could spice up the evening! We’re discussing mythology. Do you know what a “myth-all-o-gee” is?
ARES grabs PROFESSOR by the neck and holds him up.
It means I’ll break your neck if you don’t bow before me!
Please, sir, don’t be hasty, I’ll give you anything you want—
ARES drops the PROFESSOR
And that’s a wrap! Sorry about that, sir. If you look above you and to your right, you’ll see some cameras set up. It’s a prank show. We’re making a spin-off show based on Keeping Up With The Olympians. It’s called A Thousand Camera Eyes. If Greek legendary hero Ashton Kutcher were here, he might say you got punk’d.
Goodness me, what an experience. You know, for a moment I was worried that you came from a world where Zeus, Hera, Aphrodite, and Ares were gods of Greek Mythology. And that all their lewd stories of debauchery and illicit sex and excessive violence and unrealistic physics were considered the golden standard in storytelling!
Sounds pretty silly.
Yes. I’m so glad we don’t live in such a vapid reality. And while I’m at it, I’d also like to announce my upcoming thesis that compares Super Mario to Beowulf.
(Flips off the audience)
Suck it, Classics Majors!