Modern Mythology

(Note: this is a companion piece to Keeping Up With The Olympians. Read that skit first for the full experience!)

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A PROFESSOR stands at a lectern. “Rondeau from Suite de Symphonies” plays.

 

PROFESSOR

Good evening. My sincerest gratitude to everyone who arrived to listen to my lecture. All healthy minds should appreciate the classics. As you may know, I am a professor at the University of Iowa, and an esteemed scholar of Kardashian mythology. I would like to report my findings on a myth I believe you’re all familiar with.

But let us recap anyways. The story in question takes place in the Archaic Period of Greek culture. It’s a myth that centers on the engagement of Rob. Dedicated lovers of Kardashian mythology will know that Rob broke the news of his engagement with Chyna, and broke the news of Chyna’s pregnancy, with his sisters Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe. Most of the memorable tropes of this conversation have carried on into pop culture, from Khloe’s desire for children to Rob swearing on his father’s grave. In fact, I just saw a delightful superhero film the other day where Iron Man alluded to Khole’s stepfather turning into a girl. It’s always nice to see the magnificence of human culture outlast us all.

But onto my research. According to pottery records from the era, Rob’s engagement was spontaneous, a discovery that coincidently outdates last year’s college textbooks. Rob also suggested that the Kardashian sisters should have contacted him personally if they wanted to learn about the engagement. This puts the complex relationships within the family into a whole new light. Further research suggests—

 

ARES enters.

 

PROFESSOR

Excuse me, sir, may I help you?

 

ARES

You damn well better! I am Ares, the God of War. I seek Hera, who stole my golden apple from me. Tell me where she is, or I’ll—

 

PROFESSOR

Pardon my ignorance. Who are you?

 

ARES

Ares. Greek God of War.

 

PROFESSOR

I’ve never heard of you.

 

ARES

Never heard of me? You stupid oaf, aren’t I in your storybooks? Why don’t you tremble before me?

 

SOMEONE FROM AUDIENCE

He’s a reality TV star!

 

PROFESSOR

Oh, why didn’t you say so? I suppose a bit of celebrity could spice up the evening! We’re discussing mythology. Do you know what a “myth-all-o-gee” is?

 

ARES grabs PROFESSOR by the neck and holds him up.

 

ARES

It means I’ll break your neck if you don’t bow before me!

 

PROFESSOR

Please, sir, don’t be hasty, I’ll give you anything you want—

 

ARES drops the PROFESSOR

 

ARES

And that’s a wrap! Sorry about that, sir. If you look above you and to your right, you’ll see some cameras set up. It’s a prank show. We’re making a spin-off show based on Keeping Up With The Olympians. It’s called A Thousand Camera Eyes. If Greek legendary hero Ashton Kutcher were here, he might say you got punk’d.

 

PROFESSOR

Goodness me, what an experience. You know, for a moment I was worried that you came from a world where Zeus, Hera, Aphrodite, and Ares were gods of Greek Mythology. And that all their lewd stories of debauchery and illicit sex and excessive violence and unrealistic physics were considered the golden standard in storytelling!

 

ARES

Sounds pretty silly.

 

PROFESSOR

Yes. I’m so glad we don’t live in such a vapid reality. And while I’m at it, I’d also like to announce my upcoming thesis that compares Super Mario to Beowulf.

(Flips off the audience)

Suck it, Classics Majors!

 

BLACKOUT

Keeping Up With The Olympians

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APHRODITE, HERA, ZEUS, APOLLO, and ARTEMIS sit around a table, miming a vapid conversation.

 

ANNOUNCER

(Offstage)

Reality TV Network presents America’s least-hated reality show, Keeping Up With The Olympians! This week… Ares stole Aphrodite’s golden apple, so Aphrodite sets up a meeting with her family to get it back! Only thing is, nobody likes Ares! So no one wants to talk to him! This family’s secrets were under a lid, and it looks like someone opened the box!

 

APHRODITE

(Drunk throughout this entire skit)

‘sup bitches. Look, here’s the shin-dig-izzle.

 

APOLLO

Do you even know what those words mean?

 

APHRODITE

Zip it! Anyways… that apple is really important to me, you know? It was a gift. Paris gave that to me.

 

ARTEMIS

You mean the apple I should have won? Maybe he’ll give you another one if you blow him again.

 

APHRODITE

Arti, you weren’t even at that party. And hey… did you know that you’re a virgin?

 

ARTEMIS

…yes. That is literally what I am a goddess of.

 

APHRODITE

But you’re also goddess of childbirth. Like, what’s up with that?

 

APOLLO

Don’t talk to my sister that way, you hear?

 

ZEUS

Enough! Artemis, Apollo. You are my son and daughter, and while I do love you—

 

HERA

(Under her breath)

They’re not my son and daughter.

 

ZEUS

Will you shut up already? Dear Almighty Me, you’ve been talking like an Athenian on cocaine ever since we had this meeting.

 

ARTEMIS

I will not let you talk to a fellow virgin like that.

 

ZEUS

What are you on about?

 

HERA

Every year at the spring at Nauplia, I renew my virginity. It’s called Kanathos. It’s a bit underground.

 

ZEUS

…must be a chick thing.

 

APHRODITE

Don’t fuckin’ talk to me like that you, with your rock-ass-head and shit.

 

ARTEMIS

Zeus is father of the gods, and he deserves—

 

APHRODITE

Shut up, virgin!

 

ARTEMIS

Aphrodite, I’ve had—

 

APHRODITE

Virgin!

 

ARTEMIS

My brother Apollo did a—

 

APHRODITE

Virgin!

 

ARTEMIS

You were born in a ballsac—

 

APHRODITE

VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN!

 

APOLLO

She’s not a virgin!

 

All the Olympians gasp.

 

APOLLO

I’m sorry to break the news like that. But ever since the two of us killed Niobe, I’ve had an— affection for Artemis. And last night, the sun was low, the bugs were in the air, and Artemis, you took me by the nipple, and—

 

ARTEMIS slaps APOLLO and walks away from the group (still on stage)

 

HERA

What in the name of magical fuck-showers is wrong with you?

 

APHRODITE

Gross, dude! Artemis is, like, your sister. You slept with your twin sister. That’s double ick.

 

ZEUS

Yes, shame, much shame.

 

APOLLO

You know what, I don’t care! I love my sister! And not in a gross way, just in a finger-her-asshole way. Why am I being held to such a high standard when Zeus—

 

ARTEMIS

That never happened.

 

APOLLO

Come again?

 

ARTEMIS

Last night, I went out hunting. Aphrodite was with me. I never had sex with you.

 

APHRODITE

Oh yeah, I forgot! Yeah, Arti is right.

 

APOLLO

That wasn’t you? Then it must have been a shape shifter of some kind. Who do we know…

 

HERA

Zeus, why are you blushing?

 

ZEUS

By my own beard, woman! It’s always nagging this, nagging that! “Zeus, you forgot to clean the stables!” “Zeus, your cousin’s birthday is coming up!” “Zeus, there’s cum in your nostril, you should clean it up!”

 

APOLLO

Cum in your nostril? That’s my move! Zeus, did you—

 

ZEUS

I already told you. I love my son.

 

APOLLO

Dad!

 

HERA

Zeus!

 

ARTEMIS

Father!

 

APHRODITE

Ares! We were talking about Ares, let’s get back—

 

ZEUS

Look, I’m the head God, I can give head to whomever I want!

 

APOLLO

So you shape shifted into Artemis in order to…

(Nauseated)

Oh dear… I rather enjoyed it too…

 

HERA

Zeus, you’ve gone too far this time!

 

ZEUS

Get behind me, you spawn of cowshit! You know, usually when I fuck a broad, I turn into an animal, like a swan or a goose! Is that what you want, Apollo? Instead of fuckin’ your sweet sister, would you rather have me go HONK, nibbling your nutsack, HONK each time my buttcheeks clap, HONK, HONK, HONK. “Oh Apollo, sit on my face and piss down my throat until I HONK!”

 

APOLLO

That was your idea!

 

As ZEUS, HERA, and APOLLO argue in the background, ARTEMIS approaches APHRODITE.

 

ARTEMIS

I’ve never seen Zeus have relations with one of his children before.

 

APHRODITE

It’s not unheard of. Someone must have put a love spell on him. Good thing I’m just a drunk slut and not the all-powerful goddess of love. I’ll have another drink, officer…

 

APHRODITE passes out.

 

APOLLO

(To ZEUS)

You’re lying! You liked it too!

 

ZEUS

Face it, son, you’re as good at sex as Icarus is at swimming!

 

HERA

Enough! Can’t any of you stand aside and look at yourselves? Mortals adore you both! They write poems and create temples for you! Is this how you reward their devotion! Now I propose a challenge. We all abstain from sex for a while, and whoever lasts the longest will receive my prized possession:

(pulls out a golden apple)

My golden apple.

 

ARTEMIS

Your apple!?!?

 

A fight breaks out amongst the Olympians. The ANNOUNCER enters.

 

ANNOUNCER

Next time on Keeping Up With The Olympians: Pan buys shoes! Zeus navigates the Greek Health Care System! Dionysus fucks a pig! Tune in same time tomorrow, and remember, if you want to be classy, allude to the Olympians!

 

BLACKOUT

 

(check out this skit’s companion piece here!)

Fuck Likeability: A Rant

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One of the worst things you can do for your characters is try to make them “likeable.” Lots of peer-reviewers will encourage you to do just that. Resist them, even if you’re like me and not a successful writer yet. Having a character that’s a good person or loveable is fine, but you cannot soften a character’s edges to give them mass appeal if you’re aiming for massive appeal.

Continue reading “Fuck Likeability: A Rant”

The Son, The Son, and The Son (Complete Edition)

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Long-time readers of the blog will recall a play I posted in pieces here. Well now, for old fans and new, that play is available in one easy-reading format! Considering all the other work of mine that I don’t care for anymore, the fact that “The Son, The Son, and The Son” still amuses me speaks volumes of its quality!

Check it out at: https://mytrendingstories.com/article/the-son-the-son-and-the-son-a-play-by-nick-edinger/#