Keeping Up With The Olympians

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APHRODITE, HERA, ZEUS, APOLLO, and ARTEMIS sit around a table, miming a vapid conversation.

 

ANNOUNCER

(Offstage)

Reality TV Network presents America’s least-hated reality show, Keeping Up With The Olympians! This week… Ares stole Aphrodite’s golden apple, so Aphrodite sets up a meeting with her family to get it back! Only thing is, nobody likes Ares! So no one wants to talk to him! This family’s secrets were under a lid, and it looks like someone opened the box!

 

APHRODITE

(Drunk throughout this entire skit)

‘sup bitches. Look, here’s the shin-dig-izzle.

 

APOLLO

Do you even know what those words mean?

 

APHRODITE

Zip it! Anyways… that apple is really important to me, you know? It was a gift. Paris gave that to me.

 

ARTEMIS

You mean the apple I should have won? Maybe he’ll give you another one if you blow him again.

 

APHRODITE

Arti, you weren’t even at that party. And hey… did you know that you’re a virgin?

 

ARTEMIS

…yes. That is literally what I am a goddess of.

 

APHRODITE

But you’re also goddess of childbirth. Like, what’s up with that?

 

APOLLO

Don’t talk to my sister that way, you hear?

 

ZEUS

Enough! Artemis, Apollo. You are my son and daughter, and while I do love you—

 

HERA

(Under her breath)

They’re not my son and daughter.

 

ZEUS

Will you shut up already? Dear Almighty Me, you’ve been talking like an Athenian on cocaine ever since we had this meeting.

 

ARTEMIS

I will not let you talk to a fellow virgin like that.

 

ZEUS

What are you on about?

 

HERA

Every year at the spring at Nauplia, I renew my virginity. It’s called Kanathos. It’s a bit underground.

 

ZEUS

…must be a chick thing.

 

APHRODITE

Don’t fuckin’ talk to me like that you, with your rock-ass-head and shit.

 

ARTEMIS

Zeus is father of the gods, and he deserves—

 

APHRODITE

Shut up, virgin!

 

ARTEMIS

Aphrodite, I’ve had—

 

APHRODITE

Virgin!

 

ARTEMIS

My brother Apollo did a—

 

APHRODITE

Virgin!

 

ARTEMIS

You were born in a ballsac—

 

APHRODITE

VIRGIN VIRGIN VIRGIN!

 

APOLLO

She’s not a virgin!

 

All the Olympians gasp.

 

APOLLO

I’m sorry to break the news like that. But ever since the two of us killed Niobe, I’ve had an— affection for Artemis. And last night, the sun was low, the bugs were in the air, and Artemis, you took me by the nipple, and—

 

ARTEMIS slaps APOLLO and walks away from the group (still on stage)

 

HERA

What in the name of magical fuck-showers is wrong with you?

 

APHRODITE

Gross, dude! Artemis is, like, your sister. You slept with your twin sister. That’s double ick.

 

ZEUS

Yes, shame, much shame.

 

APOLLO

You know what, I don’t care! I love my sister! And not in a gross way, just in a finger-her-asshole way. Why am I being held to such a high standard when Zeus—

 

ARTEMIS

That never happened.

 

APOLLO

Come again?

 

ARTEMIS

Last night, I went out hunting. Aphrodite was with me. I never had sex with you.

 

APHRODITE

Oh yeah, I forgot! Yeah, Arti is right.

 

APOLLO

That wasn’t you? Then it must have been a shape shifter of some kind. Who do we know…

 

HERA

Zeus, why are you blushing?

 

ZEUS

By my own beard, woman! It’s always nagging this, nagging that! “Zeus, you forgot to clean the stables!” “Zeus, your cousin’s birthday is coming up!” “Zeus, there’s cum in your nostril, you should clean it up!”

 

APOLLO

Cum in your nostril? That’s my move! Zeus, did you—

 

ZEUS

I already told you. I love my son.

 

APOLLO

Dad!

 

HERA

Zeus!

 

ARTEMIS

Father!

 

APHRODITE

Ares! We were talking about Ares, let’s get back—

 

ZEUS

Look, I’m the head God, I can give head to whomever I want!

 

APOLLO

So you shape shifted into Artemis in order to…

(Nauseated)

Oh dear… I rather enjoyed it too…

 

HERA

Zeus, you’ve gone too far this time!

 

ZEUS

Get behind me, you spawn of cowshit! You know, usually when I fuck a broad, I turn into an animal, like a swan or a goose! Is that what you want, Apollo? Instead of fuckin’ your sweet sister, would you rather have me go HONK, nibbling your nutsack, HONK each time my buttcheeks clap, HONK, HONK, HONK. “Oh Apollo, sit on my face and piss down my throat until I HONK!”

 

APOLLO

That was your idea!

 

As ZEUS, HERA, and APOLLO argue in the background, ARTEMIS approaches APHRODITE.

 

ARTEMIS

I’ve never seen Zeus have relations with one of his children before.

 

APHRODITE

It’s not unheard of. Someone must have put a love spell on him. Good thing I’m just a drunk slut and not the all-powerful goddess of love. I’ll have another drink, officer…

 

APHRODITE passes out.

 

APOLLO

(To ZEUS)

You’re lying! You liked it too!

 

ZEUS

Face it, son, you’re as good at sex as Icarus is at swimming!

 

HERA

Enough! Can’t any of you stand aside and look at yourselves? Mortals adore you both! They write poems and create temples for you! Is this how you reward their devotion! Now I propose a challenge. We all abstain from sex for a while, and whoever lasts the longest will receive my prized possession:

(pulls out a golden apple)

My golden apple.

 

ARTEMIS

Your apple!?!?

 

A fight breaks out amongst the Olympians. The ANNOUNCER enters.

 

ANNOUNCER

Next time on Keeping Up With The Olympians: Pan buys shoes! Zeus navigates the Greek Health Care System! Dionysus fucks a pig! Tune in same time tomorrow, and remember, if you want to be classy, allude to the Olympians!

 

BLACKOUT

 

(check out this skit’s companion piece here!)

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