Caveman Grammar Police

 

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For the record, I wrote this skit without knowing about the Cyanide and Happiness strip. Preemptive defense ENGAGE!

CAVEMAN A sits on stage right, trying to set a piece of paper on fire by rubbing a stick between his palms. CAVEMAN B and CAVEMAN C walk in from stage left. CAVEMAN B carries a dead animal gored on a spear.

 

CAVEMAN B

(describing and pantomiming the great hunt he just took part in)

Uh jup hwat feet ja… ooo da ug! Fa tawat hacha uff uff! Sa wan a… whopa! Aug ma fa hoot hoot!

 

CAVEMAN C

(amazed, wanting to know how CAVEMAN B survived)

Waaa… ugg ne ha?

 

CAVEMAN B

(boastful)

Ugg ne ha? Nog nug fe gaaa… fa huwat! No ack ung bonk gronk!

 

CAVEMAN C

(in celebration)

Ung bonk gronk!

 

CAVEMAN B

(in celebration)

Ung bonk gronk!

 

CAVEMAN C

(in celebration)

Ung bonk gronk!

 

CAVEMAN A

(annoyed, correcting grammar)

(sigh)… ung bonk groonk.

 

Beat. CAVEMAN B and CAVEMAN C stare at CAVEMAN A

 

CAVEMAN B

(incredulous)

… ung bonk groonk?

 

CAVEMAN A

(affirming that, yes, groonk is the right way to say it)

Ung bonk groonk.

 

CAVEMAN B

(struggling with this new realization)

…ung bonk groonk.

 

CAVEMAN A

(explaining the proper times to use ‘gronk’ and ‘groonk’)

Groonk. Ya ack, ung bonk gronk. No ack, ung bonk groonk.

 

CAVEMAN C

(asking about a special grammar case)

Noya ack?

 

CAVEMAN A

(patiently explaining)

Noya ack, ung bank grank.

 

CAVEMAN B

(as if saying, “Yeah, yeah, I get it now.”)

Ya, ya. Ung bonk grunk.

 

CAVEMAN A

(correcting pronunciation)

Groonk.

 

CAVEMAN B

(As if saying, “That’s what I said”)

Ya. Ung bank grunk.

 

CAVEMAN A

(as if saying, “It’s Levi-o-sa, not Levio-sar.”)

Es no ung bank grunk, e sung bank groonk.

 

CAVEMAN B

(dismissive)

Faaaaa, cloc na golhapa.

 

CAVEMAN C

(telling a bad pun, in the vein of “Hey guys, hey guys…”)

Ha bo, ha bo, ha bo… cloonk hagg groonk ob jej, per donk hag gronk dob jej!

 

CAVEMAN A and CAVEMAN B groan at the bad pun CAVEMAN C just made. CAVEMAN A does the “two snare drum and cymbal” sound effect.

 

CAVEMAN B

(changing the subject)

Ya vo, ya vo. Nok te uggla groonk anca ta tiggywiggy.

 

CAVEMAN A

(correcting grammar)

Ta wiggytiggy.

 

CAVEMAN B

(exasperated, calling out CAVEMAN A by his nickname)

Thog!

 

CAVEMAN A

(as if saying “Who, me?”)

Ma?

 

CAVEMAN B

(as if saying, “No one cares about the differences between these words”)

Thog, nan funkta te gronks n groonks, te tiggywiggy n wiggytiggy. Bac zu fac!
CAVEMAN A

(as if saying “I have a degree from Harvard!”)

Hey ta dagree de Havad!

 

CAVEMAN A holds up the piece of paper in front of him, which reads “Harvard Master Degree in SPEKIN ZE GOOD”

 

CAVEMAN B

(mocking CAVEMAN A in speech and in mannerisms)

“Hey ta dagree de Havad!”

 

CAVEMAN A

S wiggytiggy!

 

CAVEMAN B

(mocking CAVEMAN A in speech and in mannerisms)

“S wiggytiggy!”

 

CAVEMAN A

(insulting CAVEMAN B)

Thog gronk u wiggytiggy!

 

CAVEMAN B

(as if saying “Look at me, I’m Thog”)

“OOOOO! Lok a me! Me Thog!”

(imitating a Nazi through goosesteps, salute, and mustache)

Ung bonk groonk! S wiggytiggy! Thog s Turd Reich! Thog masta rase a homo sapiens!

(beat)

Fa u, Thog.

 

CAVEMAN A

Fa’ch u.

 

CAVEMAN B hits CAVEMAN A on the head with his dead animal.

 

CAVEMAN B

(delivering one final insult)

Cac he na toe pudu, wiggytiggy bich!

 

CAVEMAN C kneels down next to CAVEMAN A and starts licking CAVEMAN A.

 

CAVEMAN B

(as if saying to CAVEMAN C, “Dude, what the hell? I said…”)

Fwat a noon? Yok sad he na toe pudu.

 

CAVEMAN C

(as if saying “You said that? I thought you said this!”)

Nan toe pudu? Uuus haed “nan toe dupu!

 

CAVEMAN B facepalms. CAVEMAN C mugs to the audience and sings out the ending notes one usually hears in a Looney Tunes cartoon.

 

BLACKOUT

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