The current political climate keeps me from posting some of my deeply held beliefs. Everyone’s so on edge and self-righteous nowadays… it’s hard to state an unpopular opinion without some measure of defensiveness. Yet I didn’t create this blog so I could not self-express. I might get some Internet backlash, but what the hey. Those SJWs could use a better class of target than the usual suspects.
So here goes.
I LOVE PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA AND I’VE EATEN IT FOR YEARS!!!
Man, that felt good! All right, let’s skip the formalities and talk about this Fandom Friday’s love of choice.
First off: who the hell are you to decide what people should and shouldn’t enjoy? It’s not like writing, where I can recommend great authors in the hopes of giving people better experiences. You don’t know my taste buds! You don’t know anyone’s taste buds, other than your own! Why did the Internet pick this oddball cuisine to yell at when people still put sardines, bananas, and chocolate on theirs!?!?
(I used to put chocolate on my pizza, but that’s neither here nor there. That’s on my belly fat now. It’s a heavy scarlet A, standing for “appalling food choices.” I’m not weird, I swear!)
Even as far as dumb Internet humor goes, “pineapple pizza iz th3 wrst!1!” ain’t that great a meme. Oh wow, I wonder what refreshing message this image macro will have. Will they like pineapple or hate pineapple? There are literally an even number of choices! You can’t really discuss taste any more beyond “I like this,” or “I don’t like this,” at least with most people. The Internet does not require any more shaming of imaginary people with questionable life choices. That one pizza driver that refused to deliver a pineapple pizza did more damage to a person’s evening than anyone who dared (DARED!) to add some tanginess to their grease wedge. Who gives a shit if someone puts pineapple on pizza? “I duz,” cry the peanut gallery: “Eye unironically th1nk itz th3 wrst thing evR.” Did you hear what you said? Stop that. I know what you did. You said, “I unironically think this” as hyperbole for how ironic your statement is. You can’t fool me anymore. Why should I trust the opinions of people who “unironically” think Jensen Ackles is the world’s greatest human?
(Mr. Ackles, I have nothing against you. Unless you start insulting my food choices, that is.)
So, with that out of the way… what do I like about pineapple on pizza? Let me start with a clarification: I think it pairs best with American bacon. It’s fine on its own, but I usually get the both together. Maybe I should order pineapple alone, though. That’s one positive— it’s actually healthy, so it’ll delay your guilt-ridden crying spell after you realize you’ve wrecked your diet. And unlike the bacon you usually order at a pizza joint, you can be confident that you’re getting the real deal. Not bacon-flavored pellets diced from a hot dog factory’s leftover meat.
Second: these pineapples are usually cooked. Granted, taking pineapple out of a can and plopping its drenched corpse onto a pizza is not a good topping. When you cook each chunk with the rest of the pizza (or cut up a whole pineapple and cook the pizza yourself) ,the juices trap themselves inside, allowing for a nice burst of flavor with each bite. How many of these complainers have actually tried pineapple on pizza? Hey, I was nervous when a friend ordered one as well, but now I’m a convert.
The final reason: you get to feel smug about choosing a quirky pizza topping! It’s the best! Man cannot live on cheesy bread alone; he must have a sense of superiority too. Why be the guy that, when asked about topping preferences, requests “sausage” like an overworked and underpaid porn star? You become far more interesting at parties when you ask for lamb and grapes instead! Have fun! Experiment! Get your friends (and yourself) to try something you’ve never tried before! At worst, if you don’t like a topping on a pizza, you’ll go on a “crusade” against it online, until you realize you’ve wasted your life with dumb Internet humor and you placate your shame with another order of a triple large cheeseburger pizza because THAT’LL SHOW THEM (sob)!
I know, I know, #triggered. And I shouldn’t throw myself at glass houses, with all this weight I’m carrying. Look, other people have received much, much worse treatment online. Like I said: who cares? Good or not, pineapple’s still a weird thing to put on pizza. I don’t need other people’s approval to enjoy things. That is, as long as it remains a joke. I suppose that one pizza driver thought he was being witty with his refusal. But I imagine I speak for a lot of us, when I hope that pizza companies don’t judge us. It’s a silly debate; let’s leave it at that, and at the computer screens.
There. That’ll show people that I’m not weird. Now if you excuse me, I’m off to finish my leftovers: a marinara sauce with turkey, onions, garlic, mushrooms, and raisins.