Those Who Leave Everything In God’s Hands Will Eventually See God’s Hand In Everything: A Skit in 5 Parts

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“Those Who Leave Everything In God’s Hands Will Eventually See God’s Hand In Everything,” Part 1

 

MAN 1, facing away from audience, holds a box at waist length. MAN 2 enters.

 

MAN 2

…dude?

 

MAN 1

Hey. I think it’s stuck.

 

MAN 2

Ah. Well, God wills it.

 

IMMEDIATE BLACKOUT

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“Those Who Leave Everything In God’s Hands Will Eventually See God’s Hand In Everything,” Part 2

 

MAN 1 sits at a table, worried. After five beats, MAN 2 enters.

 

MAN 1

Is he safe?

 

MAN 2

Right, before I go into details, let me get one thing straight: I was not the one who gave hallucinogenics to the bear.

 

MAN 1 falls to his knees and throws his arms up.

 

MAN 1

God wills it!

 

IMMEDIATE BLACKOUT

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“Those Who Leave Everything In God’s Hands Will Eventually See God’s Hand In Everything,” Part 3

 

MAN 1 eats peanut butter from a jar. MAN 2 enters.

 

MAN 2

The label said not to eat that.

 

MAN 1

Oh, c’mon, we’re in a lab. Labs are sanitary and shit.

 

MAN 2

It’s where we stored the world’s last strains of the bubonic plague.

 

There’s a long, awkward pause.

 

MAN 1

You know, I wanna do the whole “God wills it!” bit, but I’ve got peanut butter stuck in my mouth.

 

In an improv sketch, MAN 1 teaches MAN 2 how to do the “God wills it!!!” bit. Right after MAN 1 falls over dead, IMMEDIATE BLACKOUT

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“Those Who Leave Everything In God’s Hands Will Eventually See God’s Hand In Everything,” Part 4

 

MAN 2 lies in bed. MAN 1 enters and brings a box to him

 

MAN 1

I got you some flowers.

 

MAN 2

What did the doctors say?

 

MAN 1

Nothing. Hey, funny story, the guy selling me these flowers looked really panicky—

 

MAN 2

How long (coughs)… how long did the doctors give me?

 

MAN 1

… two months.

(beat)

You’re not upset at me?

 

MAN 2

Oh honey… it’s the bubonic plague I should be upset with. Do you remember when our child, you know, at school he was just learning what to say when something goes wrong… so when I told her that I got a sickness from the Middle Ages… (starts to laugh, evolves into coughing)

 

MAN 1

Should we not finish it? I don’t want to make it worse.

 

MAN 2

(still coughing)

You tell it, you finish it…

 

MAN 1

Ok: so our daughter just learned to say things like “Oh no!” and “Aw, geez!” And you’re telling her that the Black Plague is transferred by vermin, she throws up her hands and says “Aw Rats!”

 

MAN 1 and MAN 2 laugh hard together. This goes on for a bit, until MAN 2 begins coughing again.

 

MAN 2

(in between coughs)

Honey… before I go…

 

MAN 1

Sweetie, there’s nothing you can say that I don’t already feel. You know, the man who sold me these roses, he said there were a lot of pricks in it. A lot of thorns. But did we ever stop calling the rose beautiful because of the thorns? No. The thorns just make the rose hard to hold onto for long. All pain does that. That way, it’s more beautiful when we finally let go of the sweet things in life. So no matter how painful it is, I’m going to keep holding your hand, and even when I finally let go, I will know that you once looked at this rose—

 

MAN 1 opens the box. MAN 1 and MAN 2 stare at the contents of the box for a beat.

 

MAN 2

… is that—

 

MAN 1

No. It is not a rose. It is a disembodied penis.

 

MAN 2

It looks like it was cut off…

 

MAN 1

Let me—

(he tries to remove the penis, with no success)

It’s wedged in there. How did someone get their penis stuck in this box?

 

MAN 2

(looks up, freaking out)

Oh my god, there’s a bear coming this way!

 

BEAR enters, falls to its knees, and screams “God wills it!!!” in bear language.

IMMEDIATE BLACKOUT

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“Those Who Leave Everything In God’s Hands Will Eventually See God’s Hand In Everything,” Part 5

 

MAN 1 sits in chair, squirms, uncomfortable.

 

MAN 1

You guys ever get that feeling like someone has a hand up your ass?

 

IMMEDIATE BLACKOUT

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GOD WILLS IT!!!

 

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