Two Silly Skits About Hamlet

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Hamlet: A School Play

Performed by Mr. Branagh’s Kindergarten Class (adapted by Nick Edinger)

 

GUARD stands outside.

 

GUARD

This is the story of Hamlet. I am a guard for the state of Denmark.

 

GHOST

(Offstage)

Boo.

 

GUARD

Oh no it is a ghost and I am frightened.

 

HAMLET enters.

 

GUARD

Hamlet there is a ghost outside and I am frightened.

 

HAMLET

That is ok because I will talk to the ghost and I am a prince.

 

GUARD leaves.

 

GHOST

(Offstage)

Boo.

 

HAMLET

Talk to me ghost I am not afraid of you.

 

GHOST

(Offstage)

I am your father.

 

HAMLET

Hooray!

 

GHOST

(Offstage)

Your uncle the king gave me a snake and now I am dead.

 

HAMLET

Oh no! I shall a-ven-age you!

 

GHOST

(Offstage)

Swear!

 

HAMLET

(Out-of-character)

But my mom won’t let me.

 

DIRECTOR

(Offstage)

The line is “ok.”

 

HAMLET

Ok!

 

CLAUDIUS enters.

 

CLAUDIUS

How are you Hamlet? Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.

 

HAMLET

I want to tell you a story, Uncle Claudius.

 

CLAUDIUS

You may tell me a story, Hamlet. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.

 

HAMLET

It is about a boy named Hamlet and his dad named Hamlet. Hamlet’s big bad brother Claudius gave Hamlet a snake and Hamlet died, which made Hamlet sad. Does that sound familiar?

 

CLAUDIUS

It does, Hamlet. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.

 

HAMLET

Oh no! Claudius is the bad guy!

 

CLAUDIUS

That’s right and now I am going to send you away to England. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.

 

HAMLET

Oh no!

 

HAMLET leaves.

 

HAMLET returns.

 

HAMLET

Ok I am back from England now. I got to see Big Ben the Clock Tower. I can’t wait to tell my friend Yo-rick about my vacation. Oh wait, Yo-rick is dead. A lass, poor Yo-rick, I knew him. A most exce- exa- exca- he was a good guy.

 

CLAUDIUS

Hamlet is back, oh no! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.

 

HAMLET

Claudius, I channelage-

 

DIRECTOR

(Offstage)

“Challenge”

 

HAMLET

That’s what I said, channelage.

 

DIRECTOR

(Offstage)

“Challenge”

 

HAMLET

(Out of character)

Shut up! You’re not the boss of me!

 

HAMLET runs to the edge of the stage, crying loudly. DIRECTOR enters, takes the script that HAMLET dropped.

 

DIRECTOR

Umm… hi folks. Due to emotional conflicts, the role of Hamlet will be played by me, the director. Ahem. “Claudius, I challenge you to a duel!”

 

CLAUDIUS

But I am a coward. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.

 

DIRECTOR

Then we shall play a video game!

 

CLAUDIUS pulls out a controller. DIRECTOR steals controller from HAMLET. They play a video game for five seconds.

 

DIRECTOR

Yes! I am victerious!

 

Fuck! I meant victorious.

 

CLAUDIUS

You win, Hamlet. You win this juicebox. Drink it, mwa ha ha ha ha ha.

 

DIRECTOR

That is poison. You drink it first.

 

CLAUDIUS

Ok. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.

 

CLAUDIUS drinks.

 

CLAUDIUS

Oh no, it is poison and I am dead. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha.

 

DIRECTOR

I win! Truly good wins in the end.

 

DIRECTOR drags HAMLET, who is still crying, back onstage. The cast links arms around each other.

 

EVERYBODY

To be or not to be, that is the question!

 

DIRECTOR

Stop crying, you pussy.

 

BLACKOUT

 

Continue reading “Two Silly Skits About Hamlet”

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Those Who Leave Everything In God’s Hands Will Eventually See God’s Hand In Everything: A Skit in 5 Parts

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“Those Who Leave Everything In God’s Hands Will Eventually See God’s Hand In Everything,” Part 1

 

MAN 1, facing away from audience, holds a box at waist length. MAN 2 enters.

 

MAN 2

…dude?

 

MAN 1

Hey. I think it’s stuck.

 

MAN 2

Ah. Well, God wills it.

 

IMMEDIATE BLACKOUT

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Continue reading “Those Who Leave Everything In God’s Hands Will Eventually See God’s Hand In Everything: A Skit in 5 Parts”

Blue Collar Poetry Analysis

The following is a monologue for one actor, written by T.J. Green and Nick Edinger

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What’s up, my fellow poets? It’s me, Frank Loquacious. Today, I’ll like to share with you one of the best pieces of work by E.E. Cummings: “Spring is like a perhaps hand.”

 

Spring is like a perhaps hand

(which comes carefully

out of Nowhere)arranging

a window,into which people look(while

people stare

arranging and changing placing

carefully there a strange

thing and a known thing here)and

changing everything carefully

 

Now that’s some good shit right there.

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The Average Trilogy

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PART ONE: Average Man, Average Kid, Average School

 

There are two seats facing the audience at centerstage. MAN is already sitting down when the lights go up. He mimes opening a car door. KID enters, sits next to MAN, and closes the car door.

 

MAN

Good afternoon, my average son. How was your average private school?

 

KID

It was exquisitely average.

 

MAN begins driving his car.

 

KID

I received average grades on my average chemistry test. I had run-ins with an average bully.

 

MAN

Oh no. Did you report him to your average principal?

 

KID

No, I just got into an average fight.

 

MAN

That’s not an acceptable solution. Average violence won’t solve average problems.

 

KID

I know. That’s why I finished the fight with an average punch.

Continue reading “The Average Trilogy”

Caveman Grammar Police

 

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For the record, I wrote this skit without knowing about the Cyanide and Happiness strip. Preemptive defense ENGAGE!

CAVEMAN A sits on stage right, trying to set a piece of paper on fire by rubbing a stick between his palms. CAVEMAN B and CAVEMAN C walk in from stage left. CAVEMAN B carries a dead animal gored on a spear.

 

CAVEMAN B

(describing and pantomiming the great hunt he just took part in)

Uh jup hwat feet ja… ooo da ug! Fa tawat hacha uff uff! Sa wan a… whopa! Aug ma fa hoot hoot!

 

CAVEMAN C

(amazed, wanting to know how CAVEMAN B survived)

Waaa… ugg ne ha?

 

CAVEMAN B

(boastful)

Ugg ne ha? Nog nug fe gaaa… fa huwat! No ack ung bonk gronk!

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How Do Writers Dress?

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If you google “how do writers dress,” the first result basically paints writers as hipsters. “Writers always wear glasses” “Writers put on a nostalgic-smelling cologne!” “Writers avoid stereotypes in their words, NOT in their dresser drawers!” I’m not interested in repeating clichés that don’t even apply to me, let alone apply to you. So let’s do something different. I’ll list articles of clothing that you can wear when you’re seriously sitting down to write… and then I’ll list what you’re going to wear anyways. SPOILER WARNING: I’ll mostly keep men’s’ fashion in mind while typing this, because I want to maintain a weekly limit to how often I make a fool of myself.

Continue reading “How Do Writers Dress?”